Historic Opportunity

Since Haloscan is broken and we can't comment, it seems like as good a time as any to put this up. Enjoy.

DEMOCRATS SEEKING WAYS TO SQUANDER HISTORIC OPPORTUNITY
'We Will Manage to Screw This Up,' Vows Dean

Andy Borowitz
Oct. 23, 2005

Given a Republican president with plummeting approval ratings and a Republican congressional leadership that is being investigated, indicted, and in at least one case fingerprinted, Democratic party leaders said today that they are "actively seeking" ways to squander their historic opportunity.

At a press conference in Washington, D.C. today, Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean reassured the party faithful that the Democrats would stick to tradition and find some way to blow this golden opportunity.

"People look at the mess the Republicans find themselves in and ask, 'How could the Democrats possibly screw this up?'" Gov. Dean said. "I am here to say, don't worry, we will find a way."

The DNC chief said that the Democrats have already convened a top-level brainstorming session of strategists from the Dukakis, Mondale, and Kerry campaigns to formulate a plan for squandering the opportunity the Republicans have handed them on a silver platter.

According to those familiar with the strategy session, the Democrats have already settled on a new slogan for the 2006 midterm elections, "Read our lips - tons of new taxes," and that most of that new tax revenue would be used to promote the legalization of crystal meth.

While it is still early to be planning how to lose the 2008 election, Gov. Dean said that most preliminary discussions have revolved around nominating the Rev. Al Sharpton for President.

"We're only going for Sharpton because our first choice, Jacques Chirac, was unavailable," Gov. Dean said.

Elsewhere, days after photos of her baby were stolen, singer Britney Spears demanded that the photos be returned at once so she could sell them.

Happy Monday!